How to “Ally” for the Holidays

With winter holidays approaching, people are gearing up for holiday cooking, shopping, and, of course, visits with family. For a lot of us, including many people who are LGBTQ+, those visits with family feel pretty difficult right now. As allies and/or as members of the LGBTQ+ community, isn’t just anxiety inducing – it might feel dangerous.

And while there are countless great articles about how to handle holiday stress and conflict, there isn’t a lot out there about how allies can be part of creating spaces that celebrate and affirm their LGBTQ+ family and friends at this time of year.

PFLAG National’s Straight for Equality program has some great ideas for you to try out to be a visible, vocal, and active ally to the LGBTQ+ people in your life this holiday season. friends at the holidays!

• Mind your language. Rather than asking LGBTQ+ friends if they’re going home for the holidays, or spending the holidays with family – which may make them feel forced to explain tough situations – ask open-ended questions like, “So do you have any plans for the holidays?”
• Focus on the present. How things went in the past isn’t necessarily predictive of how things will go now. Try to help your LGBTQ+ family and friends stay centered in the present. Help them prepare themselves for this experience, which has the potential to go well, rather than solely thinking about previous experiences.
• But also, listen. Do not minimize the experiences that they share with you (e.g., “It can’t be that bad, can it?”). It might actually be that bad and often, LGBTQ+ people who are experiencing anxiety about holiday visits just need someone who will listen to how they’re feeling.

• Extend an invitation. Some LGBTQ+ people don’t have the option to be with their families of origin for the holidays. But you can be part of their chosen family. Ask them to join you for holiday celebrations if you will be in an affirming, safe space. Let them share as much or as little about why they’re there with you, with others.
• Encourage self-care. Pulling away from friends, not eating well, self-medicating, and a variety of other harmful behaviors could be a trauma response. Check in with your LGBTQ+ loved ones. If you have a feeling they’re not caring for themselves, make some suggestions about how they can or ask if they’d like to be a part of your own self-care plans. (e.g., “Want to go to the gym with me?” “Come over to my place and I’ll make us some dinner?”).
• Make yourself available. Be willing to serve as the ally-on-call. Let your LGBTQ+ loved ones know that it is OK to ask for help. Before they head out for the holidays, remind them that you’re there and happy to talk/text/IM if they need you. And then, make sure that you will actually be available and that you are able to commit to stepping in if your friend needs it.
• Say something. If you are a part of a holiday celebration with one of your LGBTQ+ loved ones and someone else is using outdated terminology, misgendering people, telling anti-LGBTQ+ jokes, or spreading misinformation – shut it down as quickly and as kindly as you can. If they continue to say harmful things, be willing to leave the event with your loved one to communicate your values to everyone in attendance.
• Remember, this isn’t about you. As you think about how to show up as a stronger ally for your LGBTQ+ loved ones – keep them centered in your actions. This is not about making yourself feel better or “fixing” everything for someone in your life. It’s about showing up in support and solidarity in the way that THEY need.

Looking for more ways to demonstrate your allyship year-round? Don’t forget to check out the ally guides available in English and Spanish at pflag.org/publications.

If you’d like to donate to support the work that PFLAG National’s Straight for Equality program is doing to engage allies in the fight for equality, you can do so here.

If you have questions about the ally engagement workshops PFLAG National’s Learning & Inclusion team offers to our philanthropic and training partners go to: straightforequality.org/topic/in-the-workplace/